Crow face doll face, p.1
Crow Face, Doll Face, page 1
CROW FACE,
DOLL FACE
Carly Holmes
HONNO MODERN FICTION
For my very own Crow Face Doll Face.
You and your brother Panda are the loves of my life.
CONTENTS
TITLE PAGE
DEDICATION
I
CROW FACE
NERVES
DOLL FACE
EMOTIONAL TROUBLES
THE MILKMAN’S DAUGHTER
NIGHTS
JEALOUSY
MAGIC TRICK
LUCKY HEATHER
KNOCK AND RUN
PLAYTIME
BIRTHDAY TEA
BETRAYAL
TREASURE
HIDE AND SEEK
BAD DREAMS
SATURDAY TREAT
MAZE
NEW HOME
II
MAKING FRIENDS
SETTLING IN
GOING BACK
NUISANCE CALLS
JESTERS
FETCHING ELSA HOME
BET
PETER
LOSING FRIENDS
POWER CUTS
CROW FACE, DOLL FACE
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
ABOUT HONNO
COPYRIGHT
I
CROW FACE
I used to have three daughters and a son. Mealtimes used to be a snatch-grab, a shriek, a hubbub of spilled drinks and peas ping-ponging the length of the table.
We used to be average, as families went. Days bookended by squabbles over socks and bedtime stories, a roast lunch on Sundays and biscuits traded for baths. First there was Julian, then Elsa, and then Kitty, each born exactly thirteen months apart. I yearned for a flock of five but, as one year folded into another with no clockwork pregnancy, bargained with the gods for a flock of four. Just one more and I’ll visit Mother every weekend and prick myself on the thorns of her bitter widowhood. Just one more and I’ll never complain about the press of muddy shoes across mopped floors again.
The gods listened and mulled it over and I got my wish, two long years later. Leila. The Crow. I birthed her on a pile of cushions in the living room while Peter wept and knelt beside me, grey-cheeked as he patted the air beside the judder of my spread thighs and averted his squeamish gaze from the bloody eye at the core of me – the pulsing hollow where our fourth child beat her way towards life.
He was too late, or too clumsy, to catch her as she wailed into the world, and I was too weak. She would have slipped from the cushions and onto the cheap sheen of our grubby carpet if Kitty hadn’t leapt from her hiding place behind the sofa, the blanket from her doll’s pram trailing from her fist like a victory flag, and scooped up the tiny bundle of gore. She should have been terrified by the sight of her mother made monstrous by pain, terrified of the rich stench of blood that clotted the cushions and spattered my legs down to the ankles, but she only had eyes for the baby. Her face was a crinkle of wonder.
She clutched Leila against her chest and stared down at the blanket-wrapped squall of her sister for a few rapt seconds, then she raised her up, that tiny head wagging unsupported on its fragile stem, and she kissed her again and again. Exuberant, lusty kisses. Blood and fluid smeared across her lips, but she didn’t wipe them away. She didn’t even seem to notice. ‘Doll Face, her head,’ I whispered frantically. ‘You have to support her head!’
‘She looks just like a little baby crow!’ she said, more to herself than to me or her father. ‘Look at that shiny black hair, and that little beak nose. Hello, Crow.’
She turned and marched towards the door, dragging the messy aftermath of birth with her, tugging the cord that bound Leila to me so that I felt it shearing away from my bereft womb. I sobbed a refusal and twisted on my pile of cushions, trying to roll over onto my knees. Peter bobbed and jerked across the room to retrieve the daughter I hadn’t yet touched, his long legs dipping at their joints from the long hours of crouching and the shock of the moment. He reached Kitty as she fumbled for the door handle, gently taking Leila from her and clutching her against his own chest. Kitty whirled with him as if he’d pulled her by the hair, scrabbling the air and clawing her fingers. A soft word from her father subdued her and she accepted the authority of parenthood, sagging back to the shape of a little girl, contenting herself with accompanying him back to me. Her hand nested around Leila’s ankle and she skipped to keep up, beaming with pride and pleasure.
I took my new-born child and laid her on my chest, nuzzled her face and nudged a nipple towards her mouth. Kitty leant at my side, her hand on my shoulder, whispering a stream of nonsense words to her baby sister. I lay back and groaned with pain and relief and thought two things: Leila really did look like a disgruntled baby crow, and her blind gaze hadn’t once left Kitty’s.
NERVES
We were three years into our marriage when I realised Peter and I weren’t ever going to apply for our passports and spend our lives guiding tourists around the souks of Morocco or running a beachside cafe in Australia. The temporary postponement of the future we’d dreamed about had become a hurdle he couldn’t overcome. He seemed to love his morning milk round and afternoon gardening jobs, while I fidgeted through dull days filing and answering the telephone at a solicitor’s office.
Those long Saturday night conversations planning our getaway, sitting cross-legged on the carpet in a slippery puddle of travel brochures, passing them back and forth, had segued into monthly attempts on my part to rouse his enthusiasm. I cooked Indian feasts from exotic cookery books I’d borrowed from the library, replacing the powdered ingredients I’d never heard of and couldn’t find in the local grocers, with substitutes like allspice and gravy powder that at least looked the same even if the end result didn’t taste at all as I imagined a curry should. I cut out glossy, vibrant photos of seas spangled with plankton or mountains so vast and high the summit was forever snow, sticking them to the side of the fridge so that he’d see them whenever he made a cup of tea.
I haunted the travel agency in town during my lunch breaks, gazing through the window and eavesdropping on conversations between well-heeled couples planning their next foreign trip as they scanned the offers pasted on a board by the door. I was too shy to go inside more than once a month to collect another brochure, and I knew the sourpuss lady who managed the bookings saw me for what I was: a waste of her time.
When Peter cropped his hair so that the pale lobes of his ears finally saw the light of day, I knew that we’d never leave here. ‘It’s so much easier this way,’ he’d say when I complained about how I missed dragging my fingers through its knotted length, discovering a stray leaf or a petal and laying it on his thigh. He might as well have been talking about our lives. Why risk the unknown when it’s so much easier to stay exactly as you are?
I tried once to jolt him from his comfortable, timid apathy, battling with words and thrown glasses one desperate night, raging and mocking but stopping just short of issuing an ultimatum I’d be too proud to pedal back from. He countered with wheedling promises of retirement cruises and annual summer trips to the Lake District, and when his favourite mug caught him square on the cheek he began to cry and told me he hadn’t ever thought I was serious, he’d thought we were just weaving castles in the air, having fun. Isn’t that what we were doing? The occasional, endearing stammer he’d always had chewed his words, stalled them in his mouth, and that more than anything revealed him as a liar.
I would have called him a phony and a coward then, maybe even issued that ultimatum, but he beat me to it. He peered pleadingly up at me, arched over him with my fist raised, shrieking in outrage. His chin crumpled to his chest and he held out a hand. ‘I’m scared, Annie,’ he whispered. ‘I don’t want to go anywhere. I like it here. I’m sorry but I’m just not as brave as you are.’
Maybe my cowardice was a match for his. Maybe some unacknowledged sliver of my heart was secretly grateful to be released from my adventurous hopes and dreams, for I let them go in that moment as completely and easily as if they hadn’t been my steady, joyful comfort since I was a child. If there was to be a choice between travelling and Peter, there could be no competition. He was my love, and in his new-found self-awareness I thought he took on a fragility and a wisdom that had previously been lacking. And besides, there was something stirring in the pocket of my womb. A tiny, quivering bomb that I hadn’t told him about for fear it would explode all our careful plans.
I cradled his hand and sat beside him, let him weep out his shame and relief. ‘You don’t want to leave here?’ I whispered, and he ignored my questioning tone; nodded eagerly, gratefully. ‘You don’t want to leave here,’ I said, louder. I said it again. ‘You don’t want to leave here.’
There would be no more planning, no more brochures, no more experimentation with meals I couldn’t pronounce and neither of us enjoyed.
My acceptance of my life, as it must now be, was brisk and total. I tore down the world map from our bedroom wall, collected my notebooks and those teasing pictures I’d taped around the house, and dropped everything into the dustbin the next morning. I’d spend my lunch breaks on a bench in the park with a sandwich and the bullying ducks from now on, or I’d try to make friends with the girls in my office. I’d continue to work only until I had the baby – a baby would surely tether me to the ground beneath my feet, keep my gaze off the horizon – and then I would become a housewife and devote myself full-time to my family. Just like my mother had.
DOLL FACE
Julian and Elsa were never known by those other, secret names families give their loved ones – I don’t mean abbreviations of their true name, of course they were often Jules and Else – but Kitty was Doll Face from the moment she was born. Her beauty was a shock to everyone who saw her, a source of embarrassed pride for me and Peter – both as average looking as they come and yes, we could see the questions smeared on people’s lips as they studied our faces to find anything to genetically link us to this exquisite yet strangely unnerving perfection. Like a china doll, her hair was spun gold, her skin purest silk, her complexion top of the milk poured over a dish full of strawberries. Even when she filled her nappy to overflowing, even when she raged and howled, a toddler tempest hating the world, she looked like a goddess in miniature acting out the part of a mere human.
When she slept I’d find myself leaning close to capture the trickle of breath leaving her cherry-blossom mouth, just to make sure she was indeed a living creature and not a cleverly constructed mannequin. I’d press her cheek and find myself surprised at the soft, warm yield of flesh; I was on some level expecting the slippery chill of porcelain. Buttoning her into her pyjamas, my fingers would dance along her spine in search of a tiny key. If I’d found one, would I have plucked it from its lock buried between her shoulder blades and hung it round my neck on a chain? Would I have swung it back and forth just out of reach of her cupped, pleading palms and watched her wind slowly down, until she stiffened into stillness and I captured that moment when she simply stopped part-way through a blink? Safe at last.
I was terrified for her, of what the world can do to such extraordinary beauty. Everyone wanted her; to touch her, to be her, to gain a little borrowed grace themselves from closeness to her. And everyone would eventually want to tear that beauty from her, unpeel her like wallpaper strips to see what was underneath, hoping for rot. I had to prepare her for the world’s teeth, turn her away from an empty-headed reliance on looks alone, and I was harsher with her than I needed to be. I don’t regret it, even now; at least I don’t think so. Her allure might have stopped traffic but it didn’t stop the evening’s chores. Emptying the overflowing bin in the kitchen, braving the rats and the stench as she collected eggs from the chicken coop at the end of the garden, those were Doll Face’s responsibilities. I set her spelling tests at weekends and made her recite the times tables, docking a pudding for every incorrect answer.
If she’d ever shown the slightest recognition of her power I’d have chopped her hair to the scalp, made her wear a veil and turned all the mirrors in the house, but she seemed oblivious to how special she was. Julian and Elsa helped there. He was the disdainful older brother who only saw Kitty as a nuisance to be swiped from his path, and poor plain Elsa looked at her sister through eyes of envy and rivalry and taunted her whenever possible; hid her teddies, tried to make her eat the shoe polish, ran faster when they were playing in the garden so that Kitty was always a stride or two behind, arms outstretched, tripping in her wellies, desperate to reach her.
Peter’s enchantment with his second daughter glazed his face whenever she entered the room. The muscles in his cheeks would slacken and slip towards his chin, his bottom lip would collapse and drag his jaw open. This gawkish worship gave me an uncomfortable vision of what he’d look like as an old man. I pictured my future self, shovelling porridge into that idiot grin, using the cuff of my blouse to wipe away the trickling saliva. For Peter, beauty equalled goodness, and one smile from Kitty jerked the invisible leash she held in her dainty hands, brought him to his knees. Sometimes literally. He’d sneak out to help her collect the eggs and carry her back to the house on his shoulders, crawl grimly around the front room with her riding the ache of his spine, applaud every learnt nursery rhyme, hoard every crayoned drawing to marvel at in the evenings while the rest of us watched television. ‘Look, Annie,’ he’d say to me, nudging me with an elbow. ‘What an incredible likeness of Pearl she’s managed.’ I’d glance away from my soap opera and then back, pat his thigh. ‘That’s a horse, Peter, not next door’s dog.’
It was amusing and it was irritating, and it was essentially harmless. Shouldn’t all fathers dote on their little girls?
Of course, he had another little girl, who was souring more with every word of praise, every beaming pat on the head that was snatched from her and bestowed elsewhere. I tried my best to stand before Elsa and shield her from the dazzling searchlight of Peter’s adoration, stop her leaping into it and blinding herself. I spun her round and covered her eyes, swept her off to ballet classes where I watched from the side of the room as she galloped about with the sweet gracelessness of a baby donkey. Her dried pasta shell creations were always attached grittily to the side of the fridge, and I used every one of those garish cardboard bookmarks she cut from cereal boxes and smothered in swirls of paint so thick they never quite dried out. I paid more than one fine to the library for books whose pages were forever damaged by the flaking, oozing royal blues and reds.
EMOTIONAL TROUBLES
Julian as a baby was a fluffy-haired, bright-eyed delight. He slept well, fed well and cried only when he needed something. Once those needs were met, his smile was back before his tears had dried. I really didn’t understand why people complained so much about this parenting business; it was a piece of cake.
My mother relished doling out prophecies of a life spent in perpetual worry, of never sleeping again and never knowing a moment’s peace, until eventually, as the icing on the cake, The Worst Happened – and the worst would happen, mark her words – and then that would be it: ruined lives all round and grief everlasting. Peter’s mother was tepid in her felicitations and vague with her advice so I knew she wasn’t planning to set out her doting-grandmother stall either. But we didn’t feel the lack of this support; caring for Julian was a joy and we vied to bathe him, dress him, cuddle him. I was so relieved to love him as much as I did, to not resent his arrival and the death knell it sounded for that other person I might have been.
When I found out I was pregnant with Elsa I carried the secret of her inside me for weeks, thrilling with the thought of this hidden jewel tucked in my womb. I knew she’d be a girl and I adored her already, day-dreaming frills and bonnets, pigtails and satin bows. Julian would protect and guide her in his role as the perfect older brother and she’d be the indulged apple of Peter’s eye. Who needed foreign adventures when your domestic life was this fulfilling?
Unlike her brother, who’d punched his due date right on the nose and left my body with relative ease – I say relative; the birth had stretched my endurance to its limits – Elsa was six days late and then another two days in the coming. Figuring myself to be an old hand at labour now and wanting as little disruption as possible for Julian, I’d decided to have a home birth. Peter was nervous but willing and so we left Julian with my mother as soon as I felt the first contractions, with breezy assurances that we’d be back for him within the day. We ended up racing to the hospital in an ambulance, me wailing louder than the sirens, after eighteen solid hours of the kind of pain that convinced me I was birthing an axe and not a baby.
When she was finally manipulated out of me by a brisk man wielding scalpel and forceps, one eye on the clock and tobacco breath, I looked down at the mewling chunk of human flesh that had suddenly appeared in my arms, its claret cheeks clashing horribly with its wispy pastel-pink hat, and I felt nothing but a bone-deep sadness. I yearned to reverse this awful mistake and be home with Julian, just the two of us, clapping along to nursery rhymes and chasing kisses along his shoulder blades. But, of course, this was just the traumatic hangover from a difficult birth and the last of the drug fumes filtering through my blood; I’d be fine in a day or two, once I’d had some decent rest and a good wash.
Grimacing apologies at the other mothers when Elsa’s shrieks drilled through the ward, nodding gratefully and handing her over when a nurse offered to take her back to the nursery to give me a break, I pretended a fatigue that I probably did feel but which was buried deep beneath a melancholy so vast I couldn’t fumble a way out of it. I lay awake when I should have been sleeping, consumed with fear that Julian would forget me, that he’d already forgotten me, that when I finally left the hospital he’d toddle past me in reception to some other woman and hand a pink balloon to her. I was bitterly jealous of Peter’s freedom to come and go whenever he pleased and furious with him when he brought flowers, furious with him when he didn’t. I wouldn’t let him bring Julian to visit but pestered him to tell me exactly what my boy was wearing today, which socks, describe them exactly, I don’t know which ones you mean. But he doesn’t even own grey socks with sheep on.
